Ongar Towers glossary of terms
The famous Ongar Towers Glossary is frozen in time, as it stood on August 1st 2001 - the day that Ongar closed.
Existing Terms
- 'Arse, the
- The Atlas pub. Pronounced with a long R, in honor of the establishment's
preferred clientele. [Contributed by: Chris] [add a
comment]
- Also known as the Shatlas [Comment by: Jo]
- Ace
- Term of endearment most widely used by Jo about her long-suffering Mother.
(as in "She's ace!") Also used about people Jo hopes to pull at Ongar Parties.
[Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- My grandpa was also Ace, and this term is generally not used for blokes
unless they meeet the very high standards set by him. As for my mum, of cause
she's ace - haven't you seen funky curtains she made for me? [Comment
by: Jo]
- Singers now qualifies for this status after his exceptional cleaning of
the kitchen & bathrooms. Respect! (14/01/01) [Comment by: Jo]
- Adam and Jo Show, the
- X-rated action on the Love Futon or in the back row of Adam's "cinema".
Nice. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Adobe Cack-robat
- Popular document format which the Boy Hayes is particularly fond of.
[Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Ann Widdecobe
- The closest that "The Dash" comes to having a mascot. Phenomenally
beautiful, this woman is also a very talented poet. viz: "Goodness gracious,
what is that? It's Mr. Pugwash, my black cat. Goodness gracious, are there
others? Yes indeed, my cat Carruthers. Ann Widdecombe (December 2000) [Taken
from WiddyWeb]
[Contributed by: The
Frishman] [add a
comment]
- The scary thing is that she really did write that drivel. Presumably she
did it to show that she has a soul but I'm not convinced. [Comment
by: Mary]
- Arse, Alistair's
- See "Bony" (qv). But only if you're a real man. [Contributed by: Fanny Batter] [add a
comment]
- At ease
- A response to a situation or comment, when no other will do. At Ease..
[Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- BT
- Inexcusably poor telecommunications company who seem to be strangely
unaware that Ongar Towers has been enjoying free ADSL for months after the end
of the trial period. We at wathdog believe that the Ipswich connection is far
more than coincidental. [Contributed by: Anne Robinson] [add a
comment]
- Yes, I meant Watchdog. I am the weakest link, goodbye. [Comment
by: Anne Robinson]
- Balti
- The first (and quite possibly last) nickname ever coined by Al's Dad (Lord
Warman of Devon) regarding his son's choice of young woman. (referring to
Malti, in case you're not the sharpest saw in the toolbox...) [Contributed
by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Well, you learn something new every day! At lest no "sweet like chocolate"
comparisons (for those who are not confectionery conoisseurs - reference to
Maltesers). Al's Dad could be right - I am indedd hot and spicy!
[Comment by: Malti "Balti"
Shah]
- Barley, Nathan
- Uber-trustafarian London "New Meeja" do-nothing poshboy. More succinctly,
a four-letter word beginning with "c". Probably lives in Hoxton. See
www.tvgohome.com and backissues therein. If you recognise yourself, be
worried! [Contributed by: Moomin] [add a
comment]
- Belgiano
- Pronounced bell-jar-no. Rob Chatley. He once went to Belgium.
[Contributed by: Chris] [add a
comment]
- Also known as Belgian Rob [Comment by: Jess]
- See also "It's Belgian Rob" [Comment by: Jess]
- Ble
- Pronounced Blay (as far as we know) Similar to "Couscous", but more
poncey. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Easier to cook too. [Comment by: gareth]
- is that actually true? nothing beats the cous for me! [Comment
by: Al]
- It Really is. The packets from Sainsbury's come impregnated with Sun-Dried
tomatoes, great for Islington food in just 5 minutes [Comment by: Gareth]
- Leads to chronic flapbarrel outflanking though. Tread
carefully. [Comment by: Dr
Hilary Jones]
- Ble - as in French word for wheat. So techinically not that much different
to couscous, which we all know is made from wheat. And I thought you'd
"studied" French, Al ... or is it 'Dave'? [Comment by: A. N. Other -Pedant ]
- Ble as in "Le Ble en Herbe" -- that smouldering tale of the passage from
adolescence into adulthood. Woof. [Comment by: Colette]
- Bog-Off
- One of the two positions attainable by the bog-switch that controls the
lights in the bog-room. [Contributed by: Guile of the Myrmidons] [add a
comment]
- Bog-beat
- Music to pull girls by. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Surely Bogbeat.... [Comment by: ]
- Bog-bird
- Term used to describe some person romantically involved with the boy
Boglin. (ie Angela) [Contributed by: Jo] [add a
comment]
- Boglet
- Boglins brother. [Contributed by: gareth] [add a
comment]
- I'm afraid I have to overrule here. The correct term is "Sproglin". Sorry
to be pedantic [Comment by: Paddy]
- I'm afraid that you must all stand (or sit) corrected. As Boglet's
rightful parent and lawful guardian I can confirm that his name is Andrew.
[Comment by: Bog-dad]
- Boglin
- David Stinson [Contributed by: Chris] [add a
comment]
- Frankly, if you believe that, you'll believe anything. [Comment
by: Reverend Charles Butterworth]
- Bony
- referring to Alastair's arse [Contributed by: Luther-Morgan
Partnership] [add a
comment]
- Bough, Frank
- I'm Off [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Breasts
- Fatty globules possessed by many Ongarians, perhaps by more than strictly
*should* possess them. [Contributed by: Norris McWhirter] [add a
comment]
- Brethren, the
- Young siblings of CJ. The Jackson 3 have yet to make any serious impact on
the Top 40, though Chris's brother is now pursuing a solo career in the Aerial
Acrobatics Industry, though pundits suggest that he might be heading for a
fall... [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- The Jackson 3 did put on an amazing display of co-ordinated hoying at
Chris' 21st birthday - surely there must be a niche market
there? [Comment by: Mary]
- ho ho ho [Comment by: Matt J (Aerial Acrobatics
Corp.)]
- shouldn't that be "hoy, hoy, hoy"? [Comment by: Mary]
- Butternut Squash
- A vegetable, considered to be lighthearted visual comedy by many, but
considered food by residents of Islington. Curiously orange, and tastes like
chicken. [Contributed by: Jamie Oliver] [add a
comment]
- Less of the Islington bashing thankyou. It's not very new labour is
it? [Comment by: tony blair]
- Calder's
- Calder's Cream Ale- Email [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Camberwell Simon
- Simon Wistow - he lived there once [Contributed by: Jess] [add a
comment]
- I deny everything ... Oh. Wait. No that's actually true. [Comment
by: Simon]
- Chappers Chapmania Chapman
- MR Nicholas Chapman [Contributed by: Jo] [add a
comment]
- Christian the communist
- Summer guest - wore red t-shirts, from the Swich, far too interested in
Marxism nuff said [Contributed by: Jess] [add a
comment]
- Complete
- What this list is not, even if Belgiano claims otherwise when pressed to
explain his complete lack of entries. [Contributed by: Mark] [add a
comment]
- also as in "loads of b..." [Comment by: Simon]
- But if you've got coursework to do.... [Comment by: Chris]
- Couscous
- Moroccan dish popularised by Al though Jess has previously experimented
with it, and more hard-core derivatives such as ble. Should be stored in black
plastic bin-bags in Adam's room over the Summer just in case. [Contributed
by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Cwis wis
- Recently revealed by the female Brethren as a great way
to get Chris J's attention and annoy him at the same time [Contributed
by: Gareth] [add a
comment]
- Nice one. This is the shortened version of "Chrissy-Wissy" [Comment
by: Matt J]
- Dancing Girls
- Tony's two immigrant henchwomen often in the Towers pretending to catch
rats, or to bleed us poor students dry with extortionate (and frankly
implausible) leccy bills. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Dash, the
- Ongar-Towers, where you are right now you joker. [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Dave
- Alastair Warman. After US presidential retreat 'Camp David'. [Contributed
by: Chris] [add a
comment]
- Devon
- The county my Dad owns, as stated in lyrics of the popular chant "My Dad
Owns Your County" (Hayes, 1999). Truth yet to be confirmed. No one else
confesses to owning Devon. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Devon is probably better known for the town of Sidmouth where the
stupendous folk festival takes place every August. [Comment by: Mary]
- Livin' La Vida Folka! ukbarn 4
eva. [Comment by: paddy]
- Dion
- Short for Dion Dublin, rhyming slang for Struggling (?) Coined by the
legendary Taff [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Doing a Westlife
- A technique employed by boy/girl bands where members sit on stools
thoughout almost their entire performance, only to stand up at then end with
the sole intention of making the auidence squeal like the sad deluded fools
they are. [Contributed by: Mark] [add a
comment]
- Dorset
- Neighbouring county to Al's Dad's, inhabited (it sometimes seems) by
voluptuous maidens. Famous ex-residents include Catherine, Jo (girlfriend),
Amy (not Chris' sister), and Kerry (Ongar Resident for one night only).
[Contributed by: a] [add a
comment]
- Dour, the
- Troubadour. Coffee house on Brompton Road. Currently expanding into the
burnt-out chippy next door. Great place for amorous liaisons. [Contributed
by: al] [add a
comment]
- Or as I prefer, Troobs [Comment
by: Paddy]
- I still prefer breasts. [Comment by: *anonymised*]
- Evil Queen of Butternut Squash
- Powerful succubus that haunts Ongar Towers each new year's day in the
hours preceding dawn. The Evil Queen, whilst fond of traditional succubatory
practices such as ravaging helpless men whilst they sleep, prefers the more
low-key approach of chopping up your butternut squashes into small chunks all
over your kitchen floor, and then fucking off. [Contributed by: Wiccan
Wahwahwest] [add a
comment]
- Evil Queen of Numbers, the
- Nickname for someone who has made life - um - interesting these last few
years. [Contributed by: Mark] [add a
comment]
- Exactly
- Term used by Al when he's losing an argument or 'discussion'. A man's way
of letting you know he's defeated without losing face. Not to be mistaken for
an indication that he agrees with what you're saying, or indeed, is even
listening. [Contributed by: ] [add a
comment]
- F***king W***ker
- The name of endearment which Jo gives to her closest friends [Contributed
by: Boglin] [add a
comment]
- I belive the correct spelling is "Fucking Wanker", there Boglin. Maybe
there's a problem with your keyboard. [Comment by: Hilary Clinton's Inexcusable
Odour]
- Fancy a sausage?
- Greeting shouted at Mr. G. Klose from balcony barbecues by Mr. B. Morgan,
in all innocence, blissfully unaware of any perceived comedy value.
[Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Fat Tony
- Tony the landlord. Nuff said. [Contributed by: Jo] [add a
comment]
- Part of the Imperial College Student rental duopoly, other half of which
is Miss Silvana. [Comment by: gareth]
- Field, the
- Somerfield. Used to be Kwik-Save but alas no more. Brave the queues to
find a limited selection of fresh (and not so fresh) produce purveyed by a
hand-picked selection of connoisseurs with a wealth of knowledge (but not of
obscure British vegetables such as cucumbers) Oh dear. Try Waitrose.
[Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- I encountered a cashier in Sainsburys who didn't know what a leek was.
However, the general fuckwittage of S'burys' staff is advantageous in that you
can make money off them (although, alas, not enough to live off
of) [Comment by: Mary]
- Oh - but that's where you're wrong Mary! I find Sainsbury's more
attractive staff most satisfactory when running an exclusive brothel in Earls
Court. Their ignorance of some obscure vegetables does nothing to diminish
their clients' enjoyment. [Comment by: Al]
- I met another Sainsburys flunky the other day who didn't know what a
Bramley apple was [Comment by: Mary]
- FishFast
- High speed internet, ADSL etc. Coined by Paddy. [Contributed by: Gareth] [add a
comment]
- Fishernet
- The internet, as coined by the boy Hayes. See also FishFast. [Contributed
by: Gareth] [add a
comment]
- Should it not be Fishing Net? [Comment by: chris]
- I suppose so [Comment by: gareth]
- Flangela
- Angela - Al's weird nicknaming system [Contributed by: Jo] [add a
comment]
- Al, darling, that's poor ... [Comment by: ]
- Fleet
- Famed M3 Service area with small commuter town annex, which, by
coincidence, two Ongar members have inhabited, namely Miss Jessica M. A.
Smith, and me. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Also has a good printing place [Comment by: Mary]
- A common ailment in many Ongar residents. Basically saying something that
comes out completely the wrong way, to some one else's annoyance. [Contributed
by: Jo] [add a
comment]
- So you're the root of the infection [Comment by: nick brown]
- Foxy, the
- The Harwood Arms pub [Contributed by: Chris] [add a
comment]
- Also one of the barmaids in the AtlArse, don't forget. [Comment
by: Paddy]
- Frottage
- Another popular pastime for occupants of The Shower (qv). [Contributed
by: Herringbone Patten] [add a
comment]
- Frottage Cheese
- Great with sausages hidden in buns [Contributed by: Jamie Oliver] [add a
comment]
- Gayes
- Self-explanatory. Various residents of 'The Towers' have been gayes for
some or all of their post-pubic years. Needless to say, Al is *not* included
in this list. [Contributed by: Practising Friend of
Dorothy] [add a
comment]
- Thanks for the compliment.... I think. [Comment by: Al]
- Goat in Boots, The
- Pub on the Fulham road populated entirely with braying self-infatuated
Tabithas and Tarquins. Patronised of necessity by various Ongar-ites in their
Evelyn Gardens years, still deemed worthy of a visit just to watch
aforementioned toffs get hideously blootered and push each other around in
misappropriated shopping trolleys like the proles they really are.
[Contributed by: Moomin] [add a
comment]
- Goose and Hand Shandy, the
- The Goose and Granite pub, regulars include inebriated old men who sing at
you and Chelsea headhunters [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Apparently they have now removed the Granite from the Goose and it is now
labelled as just "The Goose" [Comment by: Jo]
- Sounds like a painful extraction -- maybe they should call it "The Goose
with a Sore Arse" [Comment by: Mary]
- Gough, Damon
- I'm off [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Gough, Darren
- I'm Off [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Grainger-mouse
- for some reason my new nick-name dreamt up by Singers and "Chappers
Chapmania Chapman" [Contributed by: Jo] [add a
comment]
- H from Steps
- The campest thing know to man, since Al [Contributed by: Gareth] [add a
comment]
- Ya bitch. Any more like that and I'll press the big delete button.
Sweetie. [Comment by: Al]
- "Step into my parlor," said the spider to the fly. 'Tis the sweetest
little parlor that e'er you did spy. [Comment by: H from Steps]
- Hank
- Hank Marvin=Starvin [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Have a word
- Something frankly pointless or braindead being said or done? Have a word
with yourself [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Head, the
- Other wise know as Birkenhead. Nearby residents include Boglin, rich
footballers and Jo's dad. [Contributed by: Jo] [add a
comment]
- Horse, the
- Nick "Chapmania" Chapman. I'll leave it to you to figure out why.
[Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Imperial College
- (Formerly West London Polytechnic) Educational institution of limited
repute, specialising mostly in the warm sciences, such as Psychology, Pastry
Making, Badger Bothering, Sociology, Physics, Computer Science and their most
oversubscribed course, "Flapping at wasps". Generally renowned for its most
famous alumni, George W Bush. [Contributed by: Versatile Multi-Pronged Assault] [add a
comment]
- I've never heard of these three chaps - George, W and Bush. Oh, perhaps
you meant alumunus. [Comment by: A. Pedant]
- Or even, alumnus [Comment by: A.
Smartarse]
- Inflatable Boglin, The
- A latex novelty, very popular in Cleethorpes. [Contributed by: Accelorata
Jengold] [add a
comment]
- Inty Horrible
- Jo gaining sympathy [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Are not without cause usually may I add! [Comment by: Jo]
- No you may not add... [Comment by: ]
- Ipswich (Ypsvyche)
- The spiritual birthplace of the Brethren of the Order of Ongar, said to
possess great magical powers. Long believed to be mythical, recent
archaeolgical expeditions have uncovered some ninth-century Mayan engravings
that may offer a clue to its location. Also the home of BT (qv). [Contributed
by: Chief High
Priestess of the Brethren of the Order of Ongar (Chipoboo)] [add a
comment]
- Also known to many as Ipshit, land of flammable shell-suits [Comment
by: Matt J]
- Also a center of cultural excellence, viz Liquid, Sound Academy, Kartoush
(Hollywoods), and Branningans. [Comment by: Dan A]
- It's Belgian Rob
- Exclamation from the assembled masses when a random bloke assumed not to
be Jess's brother calls. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- See also It's Jess' Brother. [Comment by: Chris]
- It's Jess's brother!
- Traditional response to a phone call for Jess regardless of the caller's
identity. Jess's brother, notorious for his womanising ways and coordinated
random champagne swilling and funny-hat-wearing, has now become something of
an Urban Myth. The compulsory exclamation mark indicates that this phrase
should only be used when shouting, and should be accompanied by all manner of
whooping, jeering and casual horse-play. You have been warned. [Contributed
by: Al] [add a
comment]
- See also It's Belgian Rob! [Comment by: Paddy]
- Jackson's Aberration
- A rare atmospheric phenomenon, believed to be the primary cause of
infertility among Wallabies in the Fulham area. [Contributed by: David Attenborough] [add a
comment]
- I am the lovechild of Chris Jackson. He says he'll have me debagged,
grated and nippletucked if ever reveal my true identity. [Comment
by: F****a P*****n]
- What !!!! [Comment by: Amy
(youngest of the Jackson brether)]
- Lapdog
- Laptop computer, of course [Contributed by: ] [add a
comment]
- Larissa
- One of the "Dancing Girls". If you had to shag one of them to save your
Gran's life, then it'd be her. Then again, you've never really liked you
Gran... [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Larry
- Larry Flint- skint [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Lawson, Nigella
- Self-proclaimed domestic Goddess from decidedly dodgy bloodline. Often to
be found smiling beatifically out from the pages of a Sundau supplement. Paddy
fancies her. [Contributed by: Moomin] [add a
comment]
- Lillie Road Boyz
- The ex-inhabitants of 242A Lillie Road. Include John "John-Boy" Webber,
Mark "Army Boy" Jones, Matt Harvey, Rene "Lib-Dem" Frank, and me. [Contributed
by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Luther-Morgan Partnership
- Previous inhabitants of the room with the balcony and now schmoozing in a
menage-a-deux somewhere in Slutney, inhabiting one of Tony's sleazy basement
bunkers, but not so far from the trendy bars where the Hoegaarden flows
freely. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Hooegarden? What a bunch of big girl's blouses. [Comment by: Frank Bough]
- M.A.R.Y.
- Quasi-sentient cyborg created by the evil Dr Jackson as a life partner for
the his other creation, the mythical creature "The Shok" (qv) from bits of old
Amiga 1200s and chunks of butternut squash (qv) found lying mysteriously in
the kitchen one new year's day. [Contributed by: Frigidaria
Combinatorix] [add a
comment]
- I am reliably informed that the very trendiest shun Hooergarden in favour
of the mighty Staropramen. Or perhaps that should be "Strap-on men". Excuse
me, I'll have to go and check. [Comment by: You
are my wife now]
- MS Turd
- Microsoft word- one of a series [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Marisa
- The Second (and final) "Dancing Girl". Breasts to die for. [Contributed
by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Presumably you have also discovered the dark secret of the "poison
aureoles". [Comment by: Various Artists]
- or even areola [Comment by: A Breast Owner]
- Miner's Arms
- Maison des Mines et des Ponts et Chausees - Jess's gaff, also resident to
many French miners.... [Contributed by: Jess] [add a
comment]
- Multiple Games Arena, the
- The upstairs "lounge" [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Nancies
- Soft lads who lived downstairs last year and could hear us *breathing* at
two in the morning. See also NeoNancies [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- National Wind Jo Up Week
- Commencing the first Saturday of the Year, seven days of fun and frolics
at Jo’s expense. This year, running from the 6th to the 12th of January.
[Contributed by: Mark] [add a
comment]
- You're all horrible!!!!! [Comment by: Jo]
- The week getting off to a rousing start then...keep up the good work
everyone. With your help this can be the best NWJUW yet. [Comment
by: gareth]
- Right then - that's a detention for all of you, plus extra homework. And
I'll see you after school Klose! [Comment by: Jo]
- I'm waiting for silence Gareth. [Comment by: Jo]
- I'm not going anywhere [Comment by: gareth]
- That wasn't me Gareth!!! I'd never expect you to be silent! [Comment
by: Jo]
- Hurray!!!! National Wind Up Jo week has now come to an end - what a
shame!! THanks to all those who participated - no doubt you'll get your
come-upance! [Comment by: Jo]
- Who ever said it had to be Anually? I'm sure it could be arranged for 5,
maybe 30 weeks a year.... [Comment by: Bog]
- Um I did. But never mind, we can all look forward to next month's
'National Wind Jo Up Again Week', running annually from the 3rd to the 9th
Feb. Coming soon to an ongar towers near you. [Comment by: Mark]
- Nooooooo!! Someone please help me!!!! Does this mean Nat West are going to
f*%k uo my account again? [Comment by: Jo]
- Well, its the 5 th of Feb and no-one's done a good job of winding me up
yet! That's if you don't include the bottle of Tequila from the party -
oops! [Comment by: Jo]
- Whose is this f*cking washing up? Come on, whose is it? The kitchen is a
right mess. [Comment by: ]
- It's all Al's.... honest guv! [Comment by: ]
- Bugger off. Wasn't me. Or Shaggy, come to think of it... Anyone claim the
dried-on noodles or baked beans??? I always own up to mouldy couscous dregs or
a congealed risotto... [Comment by: Al]
- Nelson
- Mandela=Stella [Contributed by: ] [add a
comment]
- NeoNancies
- Current downstairs lot. Are they an improvement? Who knows. [Contributed
by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- They drink a lot of Hooegarden. Not that there's anything wrong with that,
mind. [Comment by: Unforgivable Stereotyping]
- New Labour
- Incomprehensible political philosophy, based around the incomprehensible
belief that John Prescott is in some way an admirable individual and really
can improve the British railway network. Chief proponents include "The Shok".
[Contributed by: Charles Kennedy] [add a
comment]
- News and Weather Together
- Maxim to be heard passing the lips of Mr Jackson at infrequent intervals.
Surely the way forward for successful wireless. [Contributed by: ] [add a
comment]
- oops I forgot my name, and why am I only contributing things beginning
with N? [Comment by: Belgiano]
- Nork maiden
- A term which accurately describes Alastair's ex-girlfriend(s)who all have
huge knockers [Contributed by: Bob the
Builder] [add a
comment]
- I could delete this one on the grounds of decency, but I'll let Mr. Mark
Jones of Docklands have his right to free speech, if not to
anonymity! [Comment by: Al]
- Oh, and more to the point: I can't think of any time when I've heard
someone say this particular phrase.... not to my face anyway! [Comment
by: Al]
- Norris McWhirter
- Ex 'Record Breakers' brainbox, but is he dead or alive? [Contributed
by: Belgiano] [add a
comment]
- ALIVE!!! Do you not recall the heated argument we had at Ongar Towers on
New Year's Eve 1999 over the vitality of Mr McWhirter? Of course, I was
correct in saying that he was alive. [Comment by: Mary ]
- Alive, alas. [Comment by: Ash]
- Nuff Said
- Rapidly overused way of finishing a glossary item when you realise that
your description of it is becoming far too long-winded, obtuse and dull... but
then you carry on for a little bit longer because you really are quite witty
really even though no-one else seems to value your humour and then you realise
that it would have been better if you'd just kept it short and sweet, like
Paddy, or rather more like his entries (glossary, that is) and so you end up
with a rather lame ending. Much like this in fact. Nuff said. [Contributed
by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Ongar, Chipping
- A small town in Essex. Home to some very fine pubs, a Norman church, a
dissused central line tube station and a mulberry tree. How a residential road
in SW6 can be said to lead there in incomprehensible. [Contributed by: Mary] [add a
comment]
- Orinoco Flow, by Enya
- The official anthem of Ongar Towers, played on a Cambodian Chuff Organ by
Boglin. [Contributed by: H
from Steps] [add a
comment]
- (all together now) Sail away, sail away, sail away... [Comment
by: ]
- Surely "Sho Nuff" by the Fat Boy is far more fitting. Or at the very least
"Horny, Horny, Horny". [Comment by: Mary]
- It's amazing how an unknown B side can be so popular... [Comment
by: Boglin and Boglin and boglin
et al.]
- P-o-W
- Prisoner of War, known to its regulars as the Prince of Wales. Lillie
Road's most pleasant boozer, apart from the Lillie Langtree (purple) and the
Imperial (black). Now out of favour since Catherine was served a dodgy pint of
John-Smiths. Mysteriously, the pub changed hands shortly after following the
sudden death of all the barstaff... spooky. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Paddy Hayes Approved Route (PHAR)
- The Best Route from the Towers to College in the World Ever. [Contributed
by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Percy
- Giant inflatable Comedy Penguin. Riles some, amuses others. [Contributed
by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Bring back Percy! Vive Percy! Percy must go free! [Comment
by: Jess]
- I haven't yet met Percy... he is currently lying forgotten and lonely in
the black hole otherwise known as Boglin's room... apparently... [Comment
by: Angela]
- Perl
- Camberwell Simon's Bitch [Contributed by: Mark] [add a
comment]
- Personally, I like to treat her with respect. She's much more willing to
cooperate that way... [Comment by: Various
Artists]
- NOooooooo, Perl is computer geek seak!! (by the way - look out for Geek of
the Week!) [Comment by: Jo]
- Just because you've never been treated like a lady, there's no need to go
all oestrogenic on us. [Comment by: H from
Steps]
- Pesky Marrieds
- Term used to describe married couples showing gratuitous displays of
affection at public gatherings [Contributed by: Mark] [add a
comment]
- It's not gratuitous -- I'm just demanding my conjugal rights when the urge
takes me [Comment by: Mary]
- The preferred term is "Getarooms" as in, "you two, get a
room". [Comment by: Paddy]
- Picturesque North End Road Market
- A feast for the senses. Your nose will alert you to its presence before
you see it. Rotten fruit abounds (allegedly) though it never fails to amuse
with its mix of Cockney barrow-boy charm, and the tourists who come from all
corners of the globe to witness the spectacle and mind-blowing diversity of
fruit and veg on offer. "Unmissable!" - Time Out [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- This was one of the funniest descriptionjs I have read so far. Mind, you,
I'm only up to 'N' [Comment by: Steve]
- OK, it was 'P'. And a spurious character somehow inserted itself. Oh well,
that's computers for ya. [Comment by: Steve]
- Pigeon, that's not my
- A phrase without a meaning. Possibilities included:- 1/ the credit's not
all mine 2/ not my bag, baby, 3/ nothing to do with me [Contributed
by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Pint and a half of Castlemaine
- Wadsworth's 6X [Contributed by: ] [add a
comment]
- Pixie
- Barmaid at the Arse with short curly hair who is foxy by nature but not
name. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Pontins
- Ecole Nationale des Ponts et Chaussees - Current residence of Jess
[Contributed by: Jess] [add a
comment]
- Pontius
- Palm Pilot. Geddit? [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Isn't it spelt 'Pontious'? Maybe I'm wrong, I was never very good at
ancient Hebrew text when I was of school-attending age. [Comment
by: Steve]
- Sorry Steve, but it's Pontius. He wasn't Hebrew either- he was a Roman
Procurator. [Comment by: Paddy]
- Poole
- It's a beautiful place. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Pukka, you F*cker
- New catchphrase for aspiring cockney wide-boy chefs. Lets see what
Sainsbury's think of that. [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- We are not amused. Your photograph has been passed on to the security
staff at our Cromwell Road store. [Comment by: Lord Sainsbury]
- But really, Hooegarden is a fine beer. Bit cloudy, like a
post-bottom-apocalypse piss, but zesty and vibrant nonetheless. It has smoke,
and cheese and apples. [Comment by: Gilly
Gouldon]
- Quirky
- A polite term you might use to describe the residents of Ongar Towers, if
you didn't want to call them a "bunch of fucking mentalists". [Contributed
by: Jamie
Oliver] [add a
comment]
- Red Indian Catholic
- A Catholic, with reservations. Popularised by the boy Hayes. [Contributed
by: Ash] [add a
comment]
- Robbie Williams
- Stoke's finest bar none. Sometimes loud, sometimes opinionated, sometimes
bossy - and that's just his fans. The boy done good. I'm lovin' Angels
instead... [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Don't insult the boy Williams. He can even look sexy in a
catsuit. [Comment by: Jo]
- Does the description remind you of any other Stoke child? [Comment
by: Chris]
- Which comment, Chris? Al's or Jo's ?!?! [Comment by: Mary]
- And frankly, who needs talent? [Comment by: BitchSlap]
- Robbo
- Hideous Man/Beast of BBC Radio Suffolk. See also "Wacko Jacko" and "Wacko
Jacko Junior". [Contributed by: Matt J] [add a
comment]
- Scouser
- Youngs triple-A, a phonetic one. [Contributed by: ] [add a
comment]
- Also known as "one and a half very nice men" [Comment by: ]
- Shemale
- =Email- see also calders [Contributed
by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Shite Horse
- Sloaney Pub in Parson's Green often (mistakenly) referred to as "The
Sloaney Pony". Its traditionally dull but correct name is "The White Horse".
[Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- CUNTS [Comment by: ]
- Shok, the
- Ashok Argent-Katwala [Contributed by: Jo] [add a
comment]
- The evidence for the existence of this legendary half-man half-doodad
beast is inconclusive. Use your discretion before believing the tall tales of
the Brothers of the Order of Ongar regarding "The Shok" freely roaming the
streets of Kensington after dark. [Comment by: The Right Honourable John
Prescott MP]
- Shower, The
- Top location for almost residents to play hide the sausage [Contributed
by: Mary ] [add a
comment]
- I hid my sausage there about a year ago. If anyone has found it since,
could they please contact me at the usual address? Cheers. [Comment
by: Al]
- Singers
- or other such derivations. Mr A Singarayer [Contributed by: Jo] [add a
comment]
- Also known as Jim, because of similarities with TV's Jim
Royle. [Comment by: chris]
- Slutney
- South of the River, misspelt in the majority of A-to-Z's as Putney due to
the incompetence of a Mediaeval scribe (or was it a pharisee?) Posh. Nuff
said. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Sproglin
- Boglin's brother
[Contributed by: chris] [add a
comment]
- Sten
- Our faithful Scandinavian friend. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Tall, strong and blond. If only it were human. [Comment by: arrives flat packed]
- Hmmm, if anyone finds a man fitting that description - please let me know
asap! (Must not know what Perl is!) [Comment by: Jo]
- Hoi. Perl means money. Shurely that's a good thing?[Not always the case,
ed] [Comment by: gareth]
- Strokey-arm
- Popular pastime both in lectures and when conversation flags between
Catherine and Al, involving rhythmic stroking of the forearm (or alternative
limb). [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Suck My Fat One!
- Formerly a 242A-ism (see Lillie Road Boyz) that is still in common use in
situations where you are loosing an argument and have run out of plausible (or
implausible) points to make in your defense [Contributed by: Johnny-Boy] [add a
comment]
- And remember Al, we're not talking about paint brush handles or drill bits
here! [Comment by: Handy
Andy]
- Swich, the
- The greatest football team in the world- Ipswich Town. Get your passports
out- we're going to Europe! [Contributed by: paddy] [add a
comment]
- Look at us now Narrrwich [Comment by: chris]
- In your face, Delia Smith [Comment by: Mary]
- Now *there's* an arousing image. Ooh, she's all sticky. Better let Nigella
lick it off. [Comment by: Larry Flynt]
- Telephonicus
- Outdated communication device still in daily use by the traditionalists
(i.e. Jess's brother) [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Time
- A commodity which people at Ongar Towers seem to have too much of.
[Contributed by: Matt] [add a
comment]
- As have I, and anyone elae who has read this far [Comment by: Tom F]
- Me [Comment by: James]
- Toupee
- Headpiece worn with medallion for maximum effect, made famous by Fat Tony.
The "is it, isn't it" debate continues. Only Larissa really knows.
[Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- Troobs
- The Troubadour. Coffee house on Brompton Road. Currently expanding into
the burnt-out chippy next door. Great place for amorous liaisons [Contributed
by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Trumpet-playing Nancy Boys
- More descriptive description of them boys with the French Horns. Did
Catherine a grave disservice by passing comment on her sexual acrobatics.
Rather them than me. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- UK-Style
- Digital TV channel which broadcasts interior disasters five years out of
date, but with live feature broadcasts from Al's bedroom [Contributed
by: Froggy] [add a
comment]
- If viewed on OnDigital, can now be viewed for free along with all other
channels with dodgy card. Contact me for details. Reasonable
rates. [Comment by: DodgyChild]
- Van Gogh, Vincent
- I'm off [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Verbal Polyfilla
- Utter guff spoken by some house members in the mistaken belief that
something funny will come out. [Contributed by: Paddy] [add a
comment]
- Now superceded by Verbal Tetrion (second rate budget brand of
plaster-based filler) [Comment by: Al]
- Wacko Jacko
- Chris - coined by an employee of the esteemed BBC Radio Suffolk, a
favourite of the summer massive. [Contributed by: Jess] [add a
comment]
- See Also "Wacko Jacko Junior" and "Robbo". [Comment by: Matt J]
- Wacko Jacko Junior
- Name given to Matt J, by Robbo. see also "Wacko Jacko" and "Robbo"
[Contributed by: Matt
J] [add a
comment]
- Wedding Dave (That)
- As in ... "Oh! *That* Dave, from the wedding right?". Made famous at Ash
and Mary's wedding for drinking enough alcohol to float East Anglia then
taking pictures of girls' arses and lying on the floor looking up the
bridesmaid's skirt before finally falling into an unshakeable ethanol induced
coma in Boglin's room. [Contributed by: Simon] [add a
comment]
- (Updated - 01/01/01) Repeat performance at New Year's Eve Party - even a
wet willy wouldn't rouse him (fnarrr, fnarr) [Comment by: Simon]
- Oh that Dave!!! Also well-known for stealing innocent girls' cocktails in
the union and passing out on their bedroom floor. (not on the same night I
hasten to add!) [Comment by: Jo]
- As in D: 'some bastard nicked all my beer, so i'm drinking this instead'.
C: 'but that's mine'. D: 'fuck you'. [Comment by: Chris]
- or maybe its the one who woke up at 6am after the wedding, gave a dazed
grunt in response to a (possibly too enthusiastic) "GOOD MORNING", and then
proceeded to the station to catch his train leaving behind all his
belongings? [Comment by: Boglin]
- Anyone not believing such slanderous accusations about the seemingly meek
and mild Dave should check out these photos [Comment
by: Tom]
- Fame at last! I can see that my work here is done. [Comment
by: Sober Dave]
- Sober Dave? Is that your evil twin or something? [Comment by: Jo]
- Only if twins, evil or otherwise, ever have the same Christian
name. [Comment by: paddy]
- Not my twin, but my archenemy. I AM unwakable. [Comment by: Dave]
- (Maybe there was a 'e' missing in that last comment...) [Comment
by: Dave]
- (Maybe there was a 'n' missing in that last comment...) [Comment
by: Tom]
- The boy Turner is INDEED sober, as I discovered last night. Apparently he
hasn't had a drink since Jan 7th - but who reall the knows the truth? All I
know is that he was definitely more amusing when he was drinking port from the
bottle! [Comment by: Jo]
- I shall continue to deny the 'port from the bottle' incident. It's a made
up lie with the security that I was too drunk to submit a watertight
defense. [Comment by: Dave]
- In light of my new found reputation, I can now be contacted at
@weddingdave.com [Comment by: Wedding Dave]
- Oi! It sucked out my angled brackets! Chris, sort it
out!!!!! [Comment by: Dave]
- Thought the whole point of these accounts is surely that you CAN'T be
contacted at wedding dave - cos you're always so pissed and passed out
somewhere? [Comment by: Jo]
- It'll be as you can put whatever bonus HTML you fancy in. Reach Dave at
<portfromthebottle@weddingdave.com> [Comment
by: Ash]
- My brother is a stinking alcoholic, he's so drunk he claims that you have
made all of this up. Or maybe its the latest bout of alcohol poisoning thats
gone to his brain. [Comment by: wedding Dave's
sister]
- Oh great! Now my own family is coming out against me! [Comment
by: Dave]
- Another fine picture
of Dave. [Comment by: Ash]
- Now showing on a browser near you, WeddingDave.com. [Comment by: Dave]
- William Hague
- Points of interest: 1. Target of well known, hard hitting, multimedia
campaign by Chris Jackson. 2. Used to work for Mc Kinsey, Chris take note....
3. Married to a woman with an unspellable name. 4. Leader of a small right
wing political group... sorry, forgot, this list is points of interest....
[Contributed by: Jess] [add a
comment]
- I met the boy Hague and his missus, the lovely Fffffffion only a few weeks
ago. Both seemed very pleasant to me, and Ffion prefers Luc to Doug Ross in ER
- RESPECT! [Comment by: Jo]
- Wobbling Bridge of Southwark
- The most high-profile achievement of Jess' engineering lecturer. Let's
hope that he has passed on numerous valuable pieces of advice to her in the
field of "Bridges Unsafe To Have People Walking Across Them" and "Tunnels
Inaccessible Because They're Full Of Water" [Contributed by: Sir Norman Foster] [add a
comment]
- Xancarthias
- A yellowy-brown liquid, produced by a special organ on Catherine's udders,
that will serve as the primary foodsource for Alistair when he enters his
pupal phase, early next summer, before he emerges three months later, a
beautiful and resplendent "Alimoth". [Contributed by: David Attenborough] [add a
comment]
- there's something to look forward to. The problem is Catherine never lets
me close to her, especially when her "udder half" is around. (cue
groans) [Comment by: Al]
- You've got a girlfriend!
- Self explanatory - generally shouted at Al by Catherine [Contributed
by: Jess] [add a
comment]
- Zodiac Ongarisis
- A modified form of the zodiac, only effective within Ongar Towers. The
signs of the Zodiac Ongarisis are: Ariel Automatic, Taurine, Gemini, Cava,
Lemsip, Like a Virgo, Aqua Libra, Mondeo, Fortnum and Mason's, Horn of Plenty,
Nigella Lawson and Pisces. [Contributed by: Mystic Slag] [add a
comment]
- "Jeffrey" Shandy
- Archer's and Lemonade [Contributed by: ] [add a
comment]
- de la mayonnasie
- to be used (esp by Chris) when ordering any food in Belgium. eg 'moules et
frites et de la mayonnaise'. [Contributed by: Belgiano] [add a
comment]
- think you'll find it's 'et de la mayonnaise' [Comment by: Chris]
- met mayonnais [Comment by: flemish paddy]
- cependant ce phrase n'est pas tres utile a Paris, bien qu'ils parlent
francais ici, parce ils sont un peut snob... mieux de demander pommes de terre
dauphinoises [Comment by: Monique]
- J'habite a La Rochelle [Comment by: Claude]
- Salut Claude..... [Comment by: Monique]
- Ah, Monique, ma petite fleur. Je t'aime. [Comment by: Claude]
- Claude! Mon chou, je te manque tellement! [Comment by: Monique]
- Monique, Je veux te couvrir en mayonnaise. [Comment by: Claude]
- Claude, tu roule ma poule! [Comment by: Monique]
- Monique, rendez-vous avec mois a la Gare du Nord, samedi prochaine. Je
porterai une rose rogue. [Comment by: Claude]
- herrings
- Eaten by the boy Jackson in capacious, and quite frankly excessive,
quantities whilst in Denmark, solely as an excuse to stay longer in
restaurants to ogle Heidi and other buxom waitresses. Eventually led to his
downfall. [Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- thankfully snails seem not to have has the same effect. Question why do
people only eat odd food abroad.... see et de la mayonaise [Comment
by: Jess]
- ickle Beff
- A smaller, quieter and generally more amenable person than Jo. Bugfixes in
Female Grainger version 2.0 (codename Beth) include: 1. pause for breath
function introduced 2. decibel limiter enhanced 3. Rugger preferences updated
[Contributed by: Al] [add a
comment]
- this model also has the ability to pull more muscular men on a frequent
basis [Comment by: Jo]
- Do I sense an air of jealousy? [Comment by: Boglin]
- Sounds like I need to meet this girl. [Yes Mr Webmaster I know this isn't
a dating service but needs must] [Comment by: Steve]
- Oi. That's my little sister your talking about! Careful what you
say [Comment by: Jo]
- another outstanding feature of ickle Beth is the trend fir her to pull 4th
years at Ongar parties - mentioning no names Dave! [Comment by: Jo]
- shit
- this term refers to you [Contributed by: poo] [add a
comment]
- vegetable
- [Contributed by: ] [add a
comment]